City v Barnsley 5-0 – Vroom! How to smack a journo with clichés

Wearing my Diesel allstars I was well fuelled up for the late kick off fixture last Saturday. It was a game in which Lamborghini were hosting a DAF truck, with the Wembley semi-final as reward at the end of a 90 minutes tunnel journey.

And the visitors – as expected – parked their bus in front of their goal. I don't know why they called their goalkeeper Luke Steele a 'captain', as he simply was throughout the game their live commentating host: “and on the left we are seeing goals, and on the right we are also seeing goals”. The only thing missing to illustrate the DAF truck visitors were the cameras hanging around their necks.

Their mechanic David Flitcroft had no doubt worked out a constructive plan on the drawing table in his garage during the last couple of weeks. With none of his bus parts missing he was relying on a strong counter attack tactic: put the gear from 1 to 2, then accelerate and when losing the ball: REVERSE, REVERSE! They only were not capable of turning into Transformers, sadly, as the Lamborghini players were too fast with their hydro petrol engines.

Pit stops were made by both teams throughout the game, but it was a heated moment when Carlos Tevez was part of one and he looked like a rabbit staring at the car's headlights when a police officer dressed up as Roberto Mancini wanted to have a word with him. Unlucky for him was the fact that a speedy camera has caught that moment – but most likely he shall escape a penalty. However if awarded he would no doubt easily take and score it from the spot.

5-0 the final score, with top speed Tevez scoring 3 goals and ordering a taxi for the other 2. The machine was well oiled and of course only the best was provided by our owners. Now it's time to focus on an away trip to Everton, and this time they should all take the train from Piccadilly instead of using any vehicle containing a stirring wheel – this in order to make sure we can avoid any more car/arrest jokes by very original journos. Let's keep the speed going and definitely not de-rail.